Life has been kind enough to bestow me with insights and learnings that has helped me grow as a person, carry out my relationships better. One such recent learning has been about what we all human beings hate the most. Something that we all detest deeply. Something that is sure shot way to put someone off or even break a relation forever.
Any guesses ? Well, we have become so fragile and our relationships have become so shallow that the list may actually go quite long.
- I hate being judged.
- I hate being disrespected.
- I hate being underestimated.
- I hate being considered insufficient.
- I hate being hated.
- I hate being treated unfairly.
- I hate when people consider me insignificant.
- …and the list may go on for pages.
All of these are true but their root lies somewhere else. Hence , If I may submit to you –
What we hate most is – someone wanting us to change.
No brainer, I guess. Not worth all the build up , isn’t it ?
I wonder if it really comes out as an Eureka or a nudget of wisdom for you, but it certainly did so for me.
I saw what puts me off most of the times, I recollected why I gave up so many relations/ people in past, I remembered what did I say/do that created a deep hurt in the other. All the arrows led to one place.
“I hated people who wanted me to change.”
“People hated me / got hurt whenever I tried to change them.”
Ofcourse this is not true when we are open to change – consciously, which are rare daring moments in our lives. Most of the times, we all hold ourselves so high in our own minds, we are so rigid that anyone’s demand for change (right or wrong is immaterial) is seen as a direct attack and we either react voilently or we simply take it as a hurt inside.
Almost a decade back, I asked a Zen master (Kenichi San) – What is love ? and his response appeared so ordinary that I was not at all impressed but it makes so much sense to me today.
He said, “Love is accepting the other , as she/he is.”
Acceptance is love. Seeking change in others is at least voilent – if not hate. Seeking change in ourselves is equally voilent. This is not to say that we don’t change, improve, overcome our devils or we must bear all the shit coming from others. Action has to be practically wise and need based but the emotion behind, the deep intent has to be of acceptance. To accept ourselves as we are, to accept others as they are is fundamental of love.
To impose or expect change is voilent, to accept is to be at peace. Surprisingly, acceptance is the best catalyst for change.